I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Green mimosas i think yes
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
