i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
