Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
