Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
