Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
