never play flip cup with pint glasses
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
