Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
