you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
