the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
