It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize