I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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