Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
