I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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