So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
