It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
