i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
