Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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