He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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