Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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