I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
