Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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