can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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