I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize