Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
