Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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