Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need to calm my uterus...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
