Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
