i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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