I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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