a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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