I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
