so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
