i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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