Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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