I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
