you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
