puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
