Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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