Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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