Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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