That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
