Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
