Where did you get a picture of my penis
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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