So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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