I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
