one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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