I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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