I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
