I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
