my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
