my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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