So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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