but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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