I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
