all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
