OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
